Just One Bite?
by thatonegreenpencil
Summary: For the first time ever, Temari and Kankurou are throwing a surprise party for Gaara... Everyone knows how this will end, right? One-shot. Crack-fic, major OOC-ness.


**A/N This is a one-shot written for Gaara's Birthday. Happy birthday, Gaara!**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Naruto doesn't belong to me.**

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><p><strong>9:00AM, Suna time<strong>

As Kazakage, one must fill paperwork, try to resolve arguments between elders, and go to pointless meetings. It was also standard protocol to find missing bunnies for little children.

But what Gaara didn't expect was the mass of fangirls that appeared at the Subaku residence during the middle of the memorial to his mother.

"G-Gaara! You better come out here!" Temari's high-pitched voice came from the kitchen. "They're throwing pies at-_ Hey! That cost a lot of money, bitch!"_

The redhead blinked, processing the words in his mind. When Temari began to scream, he went to see what was wrong.

"Look, Gaara! _Look at what they did to my fan!"_

On one of the purple stars, there was a bright 'I LOVE GAARA-SAMA!' in big red letters, covered with a hasty drawing of a flower, He blinked again.

"I don't see a problem."

"You don't see- THOSE BITCHES DREW ON MY FAN! _MY PRECIOUS FAN!_" She sobbed, clinging to Gaara's Kazakage robe. "Will you kill them for me?" She asked with big, tear-filled eyes. "Just a little bit?"

He pushed her away and proceeded to go to his room. "No."

Even without Shukaku, he could tell that this was going to be a long day...

**11:00 AM, Suna Time**

"Um... Gaara..."

Temari was standing in front of Gaara's desk, freshly changed out of the ketchup (?) splattered clothes she was wearing. The redhead looked up at her with narrowed jade orbs, his pen frozen over the report he was writing.

"What?"

Temari blushed, which made an un-existent eyebrow go up. Temari? _Blushing?_

'_The world's gone crazy.'_ Gaara thought, clutching his head with a free hand. Temari squirmed.

"Well, since you know, we're Kohona's ally and all, we could, you know, go, maybe, check in on them?"

"And?"

Temari knotted her fingers together. "Well, since Kankurou's a bit... rude (cue sneeze from Kankurou) I could... Go? Maybe, on Monday?"

Gaara sighed. "You disturbed my work to ask _that?"_

"...Yes."

"Fine."

"S-Seriously?" She squealed (much like the fangirls that attacked his home this morning) and skipped around the desk. And hugged him.

Let me repeat that. _Hugged_ him.

Gaara could feel a faint blush rising up to his face, and he quickly pushed her away, clearing his throat and averting her gaze. "Well, you asked-"

"In my defense," Temari cut in with a wink, "You shouldn't be working on your birthday. I mean, it's the day you were born and all."

Inwardly, Gaara rolled his eyes. '_Like that's a pleasant thing that should be celebrated.' _

"Just because it's my birthday doesn't mean all the mission reports, complaints, and spam won't stop coming," He pointed out. "I'm Kazakage."

Temari sighed. "I know. But it seems like you're working too hard sometimes."

"I'm getting my rest."

"Three to four hours every four days. That's _hardly_ enough."

"Again, I'm Kazakage."

Temari sighed, and opened the door. She paused and turned back, blue eyes meeting green. "Well, at least come home at nine today. I don't want you overworking yourself."

There was a sweet, bubbling sensation in Gaara's heart at those words, and he struggled not to show how much he was glad someone cared about him. "Thanks... Nee-chan."

Shock danced on Temari's face, but she broke into a smile. "Don't mention it, twit." She teased lightly before walking out the door, leaving Gaara to his work.

**12:00 PM, Suna time**

Lunch was, honestly, Gaara's favorite time of the day. He could just sit there, drink the tea Temari made him, and relax. Nothing to run from, nothing to do, just sit and-

"_I found Gaara-sama's office!"_

Gaara jumped up from his chair, just as the door began to shake wildly. He thought about killing them, but he promised himself that he wouldn't do that. He called Temari with a phone that suddenly came out of nowhere.

It was a miracle that he even knew how to work it. Phones didn't even _exist_. It was also odd that Temari happened to have a phone in her hand, wondering what it was, when Gaara called her.

It started to vibrate in her hands.

"Gah! What do I do with this thing? Should I throw it off a cliff? No, wait. What if it's a secret scroll that has all of our village's secrets on it? What do I do then? Give it to the council?"

During all her blabbering, she somehow managed to press the 'talk' button on the phone. Gaara's smooth, deep voice came out from the other end. "Temari?"

Temari's eyes widened and she dropped the phone to the ground. "OH MY KAMI GAARA'S TRAPPED IN A SCROLL!"

There was a sigh from the other end. "I am not trapped in a scroll. Just rescue me from these fangirls, they are about to-"

The rest of Gaara's sentence was unheard, however, for the moment she heard the word 'fangirls', she had gone off to rescue her (don't mention this to Gaara) _darling_ little brother from what she considered outrageous beasts.

It was a shame. All this fuss on his birthday.

**12:45 PM, Suna time**

After a few screams, curses, and broken paintings later, all of the fangirls had gone away with Temari chasing after them, screaming bloody murder.

Peace at last.

Once again, Gaara picked up his pen and started signing forms for a new rule, shipments from the Fire Country, etc. But it was barely five minutes before Kankurou burst into the office. He came up to Gaara's desk frantically and slapped his hands down, making the bottle of ink beside the redhead's arm spill over. Luckily, the sand had gone to the rescue and stopped the ink from spreading all over the papers.

Downside? Kankurou was thrown backwards to the other side of the room.

"What was that for?" Kankurou complained as he rubbed his back. Sea foam-green eyes narrowed, making the older boy freeze.

"Leave. Now."

The words were barely more than a whisper, but apparently, Kankurou got the point. He scrambled up, but instead of going out the door, he went towards Gaara's desk again.

Okay, maybe he hadn't gotten the point.

"Temari sent _me_ to ask you what flavor you'd like your cake to be," The puppeteer said, clicking his tongue. It was getting very annoying.

"Stop that."

"Oh what, this?" He did it again, and again, and again, and again, until...

A kunai was promptly thrown at his face. It was a very narrow miss. _Very_ narrow.

Kankurou looked at his brother wearily. Gaara was at the same position he was in mere moments ago.

"You keep _kunai_ in your sand?"

"Wrong. I turn my sand into kunai."

The Kazakage's voice was flat, like they were only discussing the weather. Kankurou fumed. "That could've actually _hurt_ me!"

"You were annoying me," Gaara replied, the tiniest hint of anger coming into his voice. "Just get me chocolate cake."

"...Chocolate?"

"Chocolate. With vanilla."

A pause. Two pauses. Three.

"O...kay then." Kankurou deadpanned and left the room.

'_Gaara likes _chocolate_?' _Kankurou snickered to himself. '_I'll make sure to bring that up at the meeting tomorrow...'_

**2:00 PM, Suna time**

"Kan-ku-rou~" Temari called, looking around in the depths of the basement. No response. Puzzled, she dared to walk down into the darkness.

When she attempted to turn the lights on, she was greeted by a giant spider. Swatting it away with ease, she frowned. "Kankurou!"

Still no response. That is, until she turned to look behind her. A horrible, smiling (troll) face covered in something that look suspiciously like blood was draped over its features. But Temari didn't even flinch. Instead, she wacked the puppet on the head.

"Seriously! You're getting too old for this. You're wasting all our ketchup!" Temari fumed, turning the lights on for _real_ this time. Kankurou, who was sitting on the moth-eaten bed grunted and wrinkled his nose.

"Says the person who has 'I love Gaara-sama' on their fan," The puppeteer said, eyeing the fan clutched in his sister's grip. She put it behind her back, blushing furiously.

"T-That wasn't me!" Temari sputtered. "I swear!"

Kankurou smirked. "_Riiight._ Anyways, why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be on border patrol?"

"I sent Matsuri. There's better things to do today than go on border patrol."

"Like throw Gaara a surprise party that'll probably scare the heck out of him?"

Temari grinned. "Bingo."

Kankurou rolled his eyes at his sister, who scowled. "Forget it, Temari. Gaara isn't scared of anything."

"Never hurts to try, eh?"

**6:00 PM, Suna time**

"KANKUROU? WHO TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD PUT A _SKELETON HEAD_ IN THE CAKE?"

**9:00 PM, Suna time**

The door creaked slightly as Gaara entered, peering around the room for a sign of his siblings. "Temari? Kankurou?"

No reply.

_'They should at least be here to greet me,'_ Gaara thought, a bit annoyed. _'Temari's the one who told me to come early...'_

Sand shifted around his feet, disturbing little flakes of white on the floor. This struck him as odd, since it hardly snowed in Suna. And it hadn't snowed very recently, either.

"Temari? Kankurou?"

A new feeling rose in him. Panic. Each step he took made this feeling grow even worse, fear for not himself, but for his siblings.

There was a small creak, and Gaara swung his head around, arms raised. He relaxed when he saw the basement door open.

He tensed again.

Taking small, quiet steps (he had plenty of practice) he crept down the dark stairs toward who-knows-what in Kankurou's basement. Silently, he dreaded going in there, for the fear of inanimate faces staring down at him, _watching_ him...

Gaara shivered a bit at the thought.

One step on the floor. Another. The third kicked up dust. Sand shifted along, following him.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

The lights flicked on, and small pieces of paper floated down, all of them a different color. Weirdly, Gaara didn't even flinch. His eyes widened for a fraction of a second before narrowing again.

Temari and Kankurou watched him in anticipation. Finally, turning toward them, he said,

"You should make it less obvious next time."

Temari blinked, and then turned on Kankurou, waving the balloon she had in her grasp angrily at him. "See? I _told_ you this wasn't going to work, but did you listen? _Nooooo._"

Kankurou held his hands up, glaring. "Hey, you were the one who didn't listen to _me!_ _I_ was the one who told you that this was _never_ going to work-"

They started bickering with each other, completely forgetting the presence of their youngest brother until he started going up the stairs.

"Hey, where are you going?" Kankurou questioned, pushing Temari out of the way.

"To my room. I do not see the point of this,"

Temari jumped and grabbed her youngest brother's hand, making the redhead flinch at the sudden touch. "The point? The point is to have _fun!_ Think of it Gaara, you haven't had fun since... never! Come on, just once! It's your birthday!" When Gaara attempted to go upstairs again, Temari let go and rolled her eyes.

"Ah, okay Gaara. I understand. I guess Kankurou and I will have to eat the _delicious chocolate cake that we bought. _It even has _vanilla icing _on it. It's such a shame..."

If Gaara has cat ears, they would've perked up. The Kazakage turned slowly, his eyes filled with something no one had ever seen in Gaara's eyes.

"C-Chocolate? You actually got chocolate cake?"

Kankurou smiled. " 'Course! You said you wanted it, didn't you?"

Gaara's eyes flirted around. "I guess I could... Postpone my duties, for now." He admitted.

"Great!" Temari immediately had both of her brothers in a bear hug, making both of them growl at the girl. She didn't notice, however, as she went to get the cake.

**10:00 PM, Suna Time**

"It's only fair that _I _get to cut it for Gaara, since I'm the oldest."

"Well, _I'm_ the one that _bought_ the cake with _my own money_, so _I_ should cut the cake."

They all had one piece of the cake. One piece. It had affected each of them drastically.

Temari had grown _very_ hyper, growling like a wild animal at everything except the pillows, which she kicked a couple of times. Kankurou was mostly the same, except his strange tendency to twitch every couple of seconds. Gaara had grown uncharacteristically whiny, giving big puppy eyes to anything and everything. His voice had also grown squeakier.

It was actually kind of cute, in a scary sort of way.

...Don't tell Gaara I said that.

"Kankurou-niisan~" Gaara whined, his big jade eyes focused on his older brother. "It's only fair that _I_ get to cut the cake, since it's _my_ birthday."

Both of the older sibling's eyes softened at the tone of voice Gaara was using.

"_Pleeeaassseee?"_

Who could say 'no' to Gaara with puppy eyes? NO ONE.

"Aw, go nuts kid," Kankurou smiled, the corner of his mouth twitching. Temari growled, and started kicking the pillows that had scattered everywhere.

Well, anyone _sensible_ knew that Gaara should never, ever, _ever,_ be trusted with a knife, especially when he was drunk on chocolate. But Kankurou wasn't exactly sane as of now, and well; who could say 'no' to Gaara with puppy eyes? You know the answer, right?

No. One.

So, Gaara walked over and picked up the knife. He examined it for a brief moment, and threw it across the room.

Right at the pillow Temari had kicked.

Because of the force the knife had went in, the pillow had went flying back to Temari. But by some miracle, it hadn't obeyed gravity and landed at her feet, like a good pillow should.

It hit her square in the face instead. That made her... Well, mad. (That's an understatment.)

She went crazy. She started punching them, slicing them, ripping them apart, throwing things at the pillows. Until finally, she threw a brick at one of the pillows, but it hit Kankurou instead.

His head had twitched at that exact moment, luckily, to avoid a serious injury. But it had given him a good-sized lump that was rapidly turning purple on his forehead.

While they were fighting at saying things that... I really shouldn't say, Gaara was sitting in the corner, stuffing his face with chocolate cake while licking his fingers rhythmically.

The end.

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><p>"What. The. Hell. Was. <em>That?"<em>

Temari snorted, putting the scroll back in her pocket. "It was something called a 'fanfiction'. For Gaara's birthday."

"Somebody wrote a story as crazy as that."

"Yep."

"And put it on a... whatchacallit... Internet?"

"Shikamaru gave it to me. He 'printed' it, whatever that means."

There was a soft murmur of 'bastard' before Kankurou replied. "And they wrote it... for Gaara?"

"That's right."

Kankurou snorted. "Right. And next you're going to be telling me that we're actually part of a manga, and we're not real at all?"

"Uh..."

"No one would be as crazy as to write a story for _Gaara._ Especially one as stupid as _that._ Stop joking."

Temari cleared her throat. "Speaking of Gaara's birthday, it's today isn't it?"

"Yeah."

A pause. "We really should do something this year..."


End file.
